Sunday, November 15, 2009

Things I Know

*I can count on one hand the amount of times I have spent with my friends post-Bella.

*Once a boy was so infatuated with me he tried everything for me to see him.  In the end he said that I scared him.  You slash wrists over that.

*Drowning in your own mania is no longer attractive post-30's.

*A man once told me that no man would ever really understand me.  I sometimes wonder if that statement was a curse or a blessing.

*I realize that I can come off strong.  In the beginning that is always the appeal of me.  In the end that is the reason to run away.

*It's true - I need constant support, encouragement, feedback, etc.  This is a product of my childhood, I know, yet it is imbedded in me.

*I'm constantly afraid that I am a horrible mother.  I am so tired most of the time due to being a stay at home mom and on night duty that I never feel good enough.  I have to depend on others a bit too much and I can't wait for that to pass.

*I miss chain smoking sometimes.  Okay - a lot.

*Sometimes I stay up all night, despite no sleep to begin with, because I want to be in that *moment* again - that moment of long, lost conversation that made me giddy.  Sometimes, when I cry, that is what comforts me.  It comforts me to know that I was THAT important.

*I feel alone a lot.  I used to feel like I had tons of people to talk to and throw ideas off of, yet now I feel lost at sea quite a bit.

*I look forward to my dreams, even though I don't sleep much.  My dreams, as of late, are so vivid and romantic and colorful and sometimes it just kills me to wake up.

*This post is not about depression.  I am just thinking.

*My book has been written and DONE in my head for a couple of years now.  Perhaps that is why I haven't finished it yet - perhaps I have grown sick of "reading" it.

*If I ever fuck up my daughter.........I don't think I could live with myself anymore.

*Most of my life, to be honest, I wanted someone strong enough to take care of me.  I can be this insecure, fragile little bitch.  I can understand what it feels like to be, what most people would call, a "weak" woman.  It's ironic, really - considering I am usually the person people call "strong".

*That said - I don't need a Dad.  I have a Dad.

*I always knew my Moms insecurities and such growing up.  I don't want Bella to ever say the same for me.

*Sometimes all anyone really needs, in a moment of weakness, is for someone to hug them and tell them, "I see you.".

*I remember a time when I was witty.

*I remember when 4:44 a.m. was the most beautiful minute of the day.

*Calm.

*"Tell me - what did you think of today?"

*I once spoke such beautiful words, didn't I?

*I don't remember the last time someone read to me.  I find this thought disturbing.

*For the most part I have had to deal with postpartum hormonal adjustment all on my own.  How this hasn't killed me - I must still have a greater purpose.

*I have lost some of my beauty.  It is no longer hidden - it is lost.  Perhaps I"ll put a flyer up to try and reclaim it.  Or, maybe, it should stay lost.  I haven't decided.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Real 8 Months

My wonderful daughter turned 8 months old.  This is the picture I just posted on Facebook:

This is one of the very, very few moments of today that she did not scream, be pissy, be angry, etc. etc.  She’s not sick – nothing hurting.  She just woke up in the worst mood, and since she keeps me up all night and leaves me on a “nap” schedule (no more than 4 hours at a time) then I was pissy as well.

I mean – I even took out most of the stains on her shirt.  She got in a bad mood while eating her lunch and messed her clothes up.

Thank you, Lord, for patience.  And – with that – there is nothing left to say.  EXCPET – enjoy the REAL Bella of today.

Friday, November 6, 2009

20 Tidbits about my daughter.

1.  We prayed for a daughter.  Really.  Honestly.  We prayed to Brian’s mother, Mary, for her help in this feat.  We would have been happy with a little boy (Christian Parker would have been his name) but ohmygoshwow we wanted a little girl.

2.  She always had a strong heartbeat in the womb.  She was always VERY active.  My doctor was always amused by this.  He said her activity went above and beyond other in womb babies.  She was a night owl…always waking up around midnight and kicking/rolling away until around 3 a.m. 

3.  She was a month early, yet that could be debated.  I had no idea I was even in labor, actually.  I thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions.  My parents took me to my weekly check up and my doctor said, and I quote, “Girl…you are 5-6 dilated.  You CAN’T go home.  You’re having a baby!”.  I was all like, “Really?”.  He was all like, “You ARE freakishly strong”.  My parents nodded their heads.  My love was called in a rush and I got admitted…all with no pain.

4.  The talk of c-section was always there – especially since she was measuring big all along, and never really turned.  She was laying on her belly face up in the womb.  I got admitted to the hospital around noon or so, and I had her at 5:34 p.m.  I was STARVING since I thought we were going out to eat after my doctors appointment, so I hadn’t ate that day. 

After the epidural and the drip to help my contractions it all went by so fast.  I had no problems with my epidural, and the only real pain I felt was right when I hit 10 centimeters.  I then felt all this pain in my rectum area and REALLY needed to push.  They had me push for 45 minutes to see if she could turn but she never did.  I’m thankful I got to experience that, actually.  So – c-section it was!

5.  The c-section went really well.  Bella was really trapped in my birthing canal, and the doctor had some issues getting her out.  She actually got cut on her arm on the way out and has a tiny scar.  Her birthing womb, if you will.  I felt no pain/pressure until the end – when they started to pull me back together.  The doctors asked if I needed more meds, and I told them if they were almost done I was okay.  The room laughed at me.  No more meds were needed. 

6.  It took her a bit to breathe on her own since she was so trapped in all of that fluid for so long.  She then cried, and didn’t stop.  Crazy good lungs, they all said.  After that it is all a blur.  I know that only a couple of people showed up while I was in the hospital, and I remember a lot of trying to breast feed and the frustration that brought with no milk coming in.  I remember FINALLY getting to eat real food after the stupid jello diet.  I remember walking on the way out to the car instead of being in a wheelchair.  I was DETERMINED to get out of there.

7.  She came home with jaundice and we had to deal with that.  It was really hard due to the fact that she was our first (and only) and no one could really help us out.  I know that people came by the day after she came home, and that was about it.  It was all a blur due to pain meds and no sleep and mass amounts of crying and bad hormone issues. 

8.  She then got colic around a month old and also had/has reflux issues.  She was also put on some other med that she is no longer on (thank God).  We bought a swing that kind of calmed her down, and that she slept in a lot due to the reflux, and the swaying helped her colic.  Again – lots of no sleep and crying and not really being in touch with anyone.  I had completely lost touch to reality, except for the reality of Brian.

9.  3 months old finally hit and things started to get a bit easier.  She had learned to smile and have more of a mood than anger. 

10.  She lifted that big head of hers right before 4 months old.  She was born with a big head and doctors have worried about it to the point that we have had to have it tested.  We were all really proud that she was able to lift her head up on her belly at 4 months because we didn’t know if she would be able to.

11.  Around this time she fell in love with “talking” and hasn’t stopped since.  Did I also mention that she started to teeth at 3 months?  She got her two bottom teeth at 4 months old.  She got her two top teeth at 7 months old.  This little girl hasn’t lived much of a life out of pain – and I admire her for toughing it out.

12.  She LOVES to eat.  I think we started her on a spoon diet around 4 months just to see if she would take to it.  She didn’t like it for about 4 days, and then decided that she loved it.  She liked rice cereal okay, but she loves her some oatmeal.  Her favorite food is sweet potatoes.  She also really likes pears. 

13.  Her Daddy can calm her like no one else can, and I am the one that usually gets her to sing/talk.  She adores her Uncle Joe, and she is amused by the dog, Martha.  Anytime Martha barks Bella responds with a “Hoo”.

14.  She loves to be read to.  I think that has something to do with Brian reading to her in the womb so much.  She adores books…either to look at them and/or try to eat them.  Her favorite book is Bella the Bravery Fairy.

15.  She can only stay awake for about 2 hours in the morning after she first wakes up.  After that she crashes for about another hour and then she is good for the day.  She has always had this sleep schedule.  She moved from her bassinet to her crib when she was 4 months old, and she slept through the night from that day until she was 7 months old.  Now she wakes up again in the middle of the night.

16.  Hopefully, when she gets older she will have a good sense of humor about all of this:

17.  She is very much an outdoor baby.  She gets tickled when a breeze comes by and she “Hoo”s at it.  She loves grabbing at grass and watching Martha roll around on the ground.  She talks to the wind.

18.  She really doesn’t like repetition.  She gets sick of certain toys/songs very quickly.  We constantly have to be on our toes on to what she likes and does not like. 

19.  Her personality, as of almost 8 months old, seems like a good mixture of serious, funny, amused, and cautious. 

20.  I often wonder if I did the right thing in becoming a stay at home Mom.  There really is no question.  We may not have a nice place and have nice things – but I’ve gotten pictures of every milestone that she’s met…..something I know other parents can’t say that they have.  I am a tried bumbling hormonal wreck most of the time since I am the 24/7 parent…..but, years from now, I can tell her that she and her father came before anything and everything.  I hope that she can do that for her own one day.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A quick one.

flower-banner (3)*I am spending much more time on Livejournal these days.  I started my blog back in 2001 on there and it feels like a nice, warm cup of hot chocolate.  I’m still going to post on here from time to time.  Probably, mostly, about my family and deep issues I’m having.

*I’m off of all hormones now.  I’m feeling MUCH better, yet my insomnia has yet to go away.  I should be used to that as I’ve always suffered from insomnia, yet I never had a child to look after with insomnia.  It’s hard.  Thank God my family lives here in town.

*Bella is now sleeping on her belly.  This is not by our doing – yet by hers.  She adores rolling around on her belly now, and we can’t really disturb her in her sleep.  It’s cute.

*Bella has all four front teeth now.  That is how she welcomed 7 months old.

*Bella is also getting longer and longer it seems.  I’m curious to see how long she is.

*Bella is also trying to sit up on her own.  She can do it a few seconds at a time.

*She LOVES oatmeal mixed with any fruit/veggie.

*I’m reading the Twilight series.  I’ve read the first two books this week.  I have no real opinion on them except they are easy reads….something that is needed when I am up due to no sleep. 

*I’ll post more here.  It may just be gushing over my daughter….but I can’t help it.  She’s amazing.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Suicide Index

flower-banner (1)

*I am currently reading The Suicide Index. It is a non-fiction book about a woman writing about her father's suicide, and her quest to find out why he did such a thing. Why he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
Last night - deep in the night - when fireflies no longer light up the room - I cried. Somewhere in the book the lady talks about the obvious: once you have a suicide....you change. Your perspective of everything changes. Nothing fits right anymore. You know too much. You know that a bullet can shatter a skull and flip out the brains.


Daniel.


Oh, Daniel.


I thought of my beautiful cousin and that horrible moment a few years back when I heard my mom running down the hall screaming, "Daniel is dead. Oh God he's dead! He killed himself!".
I am different from the author, though. She had no idea of why her father pulled the trigger. We all knew why Daniel did. He tried for years to kill himself, and fate always told him, "Not yet".

*


At his funeral all of the cousins were there. It's funny, odd - on my Mom's side of the family (she was one of five kids) all of us cousins have had a mental disorder of sorts. ALL of us. This includes myself, my brother, Daniel, Sara, Rachel, Robert, Richie, and maybe even Shawn. We are talking depression, mania, bipolar, ocd, etc. We cover it all. We will sit around at holidays and joke about it. I remember joking about it with Daniel before.....one Thanksgiving comes to mind. We were sitting outside smoking and we were all talking about what perscription meds we were on and how they made us fat and lazy. We always took our mental states lightheartedly. We had to.


I remember at the funeral us cousins were standing outside so that I could smoke, and we all said, "I can't believe he actually did it. That he finally did it." Quiet a few of us talked about how we thought about killing ourselves over the years. The half-hearted attempts to kill ourselves. Now here we stood. Angry with him. Sad for him. Calling him a selfish bastard.

*


The next weekend his younger brother graduated high school. We ate cake and nervously laughed at the ying/yang of life.

*


About half an hour before he pulled the trigger he called us. I answered the phone and he asked to speak to my Mom. Mom talked to him and she said that he was driving, and drunk, and wondering why the whole world was against him. She told him to calm down - we loved him - we support him - go home and get some rest. The call came a few minutes later. He was dead.

*


He blew off half of his head. They needed to use his dental records. At the funeral it was an open casket. There was a cover over his head. IT was right under the cover. His open skull. Did he have his eyes left? Was his mouth intact? We didn't think it was going to be an open casket (duh), but someone decided last minute they needed that closure of seeing him. Perhaps his Mom. It was so last minute that there was still dirt under his fingernails. His hands were ice. He was the first dead body that I have ever touched.

*


I still think of him, yet I will never allow myself to think of him in that next-to-last moment of his life. I will never wonder, "What was he thinking?", because I've been there. I know what he was thinking. He was thinking that he was finally free.

*


I'm glad, over the years, I finally realized that freedom was not worth it

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A quick one.

WhiteFlowerBannerPic

I’ve been ignoring my blog on here, it seems.  I’m very much back to posting to my Livejournal again since I started The 365 Project and have pretty much forgotten about this one.

*I got over my sugar/carb hump finally.  No more sugar for me!  It’s much harder to detox from than nicotine was.  Blah.

*I started it last Monday – weighing in at the whopping 278 pounds.  I don’t really weigh in until tomorrow – but today I was around 271.5.  Most of that was water weight lost – but I’m happy.  I feel much lighter already.

*My precious daughter is cutting BOTH of her top two teeth right now.  She will have all 4 front teeth by the end of this month.  She hasn’t really slept the last 2 days due to the pain….and yes, we are trying and doing everything.  She is having a MUCH harder time with these two teeth than the bottom ones.  It’s heartbreaking.

*I’m going to apply for a part time cleaning job this week.  I hope that I get it.  I need 4-5 hours to myself (again) a few days a week.  I need money so that we can get a second car OR move out and live in a better place.  Moving out seems the better option.  It would be really nice to have a third bedroom so that Brian can move his office out of our bedroom (finally).

 

*More to come once I remember what that is.  Ciao!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 3 is a nasty bitch.

This is not pretty, yet when was it supposed to be?
This is detoxing all the chemicals out of your body -
and not sleeping, and living in the bathroom,
and oh - another headache.
Day 3 is never pretty.
Day 3 is send your child to her Grandparents because you don't have the energy
to pick her up.
Day 3 is a nasty bitch.


There was no real sleep last night. I was up at 3 in the morning throwing up. I awoke around 11 when Bella did. I went to the bathroom and got sick again. I called my Mom right away and went right back to bed. Brian took a pause from his work (thank GOD he works from home) and got Bella ready.


I only got up today to vomit or shit - those toxins have got to come out somehow, eh? Pretty, pretty picture.


I'm not going back to sugar because
A) I am on an insulin drug and it's silly for me to even consume the stuff
and
B) I do not have such reactions when I go a few days without lettuce, or apples, or fish.


Anything your body has violent (VIOLENT) reactions to when you no longer consume it is no longer welcome in my body. I'm talking to you sugar, caffine, red meat, and dairy. Red meat and dairy, for me (and most others if you tried it), the reactions come after you don't eat it for a while and THEN you consume it. Try passing that.


So I'm tired and cranky and I've lost 4 pounds since Monday morning.


This sucks - and hurts - and oh wow I have a bitch of a headache -
but next week will feel soooooooooo good.